PMS...

In August I stopped taking the pill. Not because I want to fall pregnant, but because I felt that I needed to give my body a break and eliminate things that may be having a negative effect on my body. I now have my third period since then, and I am suffering badly from PMS. Much worse than I ever have been before!
It starts with a really fatigued feeling the week or so before my period (have had this for years), and then as the period starts I have been getting bad headaches, feeling very down and unable to cope with things that normally would not be a big deal, irritable and angry, etc, etc. It is so bad that I am thinking stopping taking the pill was a really really bad idea.

Tonight I have been reading a bit about what might help with PMS, and I am going to try out some of the suggestions I have found (information from Better Health Channel and eHealthMD):
- taking calcium and magnesium. It has been found that calcium can reduce PMS symptoms by almost half.
- evening primrose oil is something I used to take but have not been taking for a while - I will start taking that again too. It is supposed to help reduce breast tenderness and bloating. Although these symptoms are annoying and uncomfortable, these are not the things that are getting to me - the completely wiped out feeling as well as feeling so down is what I really hope to find some relief from.
- I may also try St John's Wort. This herb is supposed to help improve mood and our ability to deal with stress, but can also interact with some medications - one of which is the pill - it has been shown to reduce the effect of the pill (sorry, haven't got the reference, this is something I read a long time ago).
- exercise is listed as something that can help, so I will make a point to exercise for 30 minutes a day when I have my period (hopefully more than just those days!)

I am hoping these things will work. I feel terrible and am not nice to be around when these symptoms are here. And it is also causing me more stress because I am not getting anything done!

Being told what to do?

My breakfast this morning was muesli, yoghurt, blueberries and a few walnuts. Yum!!

I just read something profound (for me) in a post called (translated from Norwegian) "Experts who say: You Must!" in a Norwegian blog called "Big man going down". This blog is written by a man who has lost an extraordinary amount of weight.

Roughly translated it says that it is better that a doctor says "if you stay the same weight you will likely die before you are 50" rather than saying "you need to loose weight". The first option is leaving me to make my own conclusions and choose if I want to make a change or not - so it is much more self motivating. The second option is just telling me something I have to do - which straight away will (for me - I don't like being told what to do) bring to the front all the reasons why I can't right now/it is too hard/etc etc, and make me detest it all....

Making my own conclusion and deciding what to do means I have to take ownership of the decision - which means I am much more likely to follow through with it.
I do need to loose weight. I am in the danger zone for developing diabetes type 2, and apparently my back will be better if I loose weight. Often I find it all so overwhelming, but after reading Nevyn's comment on my last post "Sabotage" I decided last night I would make one goal for today - to go for my little walk in the morning. And I did!

Sabotage

Why do I do this to myself? I had a terrible night last night, where I was up around 6 times. Not much sleep was had at all, and that has totally wiped me out today. The whole day has been wasted. I didn't go for a walk. I ate a LOT of chocolate. I have had no fruit and no vegetables. Why do I do this?

Good and Bad

The bad: I have not been going to bed at a proper time, and my fruit eating has been nearly non-existing this week. I have also let my bedroom get messy again :-(
The good: For more than two weeks now I have gone for a walk in the morning every day except 2 mornings (this morning, and Sunday when I slept in and it was too hot by the time I was up). I am very happy that I have kept up going for these little walks. This morning I was running late, and I felt that I shouldn't be any later in to work so dropped the walk. I need to learn that this is NOT a good thing to do. No one would have missed me at work, and as it was I ended up working back until 7 anyway. I really need to get it into my head that I have to prioritise my health and let other things give. By the time I got home it would have been nice to go for a walk, but during the day I started getting very bad ovulation pains - every step I walk hurts! So I am going to have a bath soon and have an early night instead.

Done

I have got my list done - but I was procrastinating a lot with the 10 minute tidy. Pretty silly really... more than half of the time was spent folding and putting away clothes that were in a washing basket, but I also got time to sort through a couple of things. It might take a long time, but if I keep this up I will eventually get through everything :-)

• eat two pieces of fruit as snacks - done (an apple and a mango which should have been left to ripen a bit longer.... my mouth is feeling tingly from it.
• go for a short walk as soon as I get home - done
• spend 10 minutes tidying/sorting in my bedroom - finally done :-)
• do 10 minutes of yoga streches - done * 2

I like seing my list all done :-)
even if it is only a very short list...

I recently checked out Blog This. They had a Dream Home challenge that I really wanted to do - but this last week has just been too crazy... even though the challenge is finished over at Blog This, I would like to do a post about this, as this is something I have thought a bit about in my 'quest' to find me. A little while ago, I had absolutely no idea what my dream home would be. I did not know what I liked, how I would like to live or where. I just knew it wasn't how I was (and am) living. There are still a lot of question marks, but I have gradually started to learn about what I like. But - this is a post for another day!

Just a very quick post to keep myself accountable. I had a long day, and after I got back I had no energy to get anything done. But, in the end I dragged myself up and tidied the bedroom for 10 minutes, and then I did 10 minutes of exercises for my back and some stretching. If I hadn't posted last night that I would do some tidying, I would not have got any of it done.
For tomorrow I am going back to my goals of last week (leaving out the bedtime one, as the weekends tend to be a bit all over the place - and tonight it is already 11.30pm):

• eat two pieces of fruit as snacks
• go for a short walk as soon as I get home
• spend 10 minutes tidying/sorting in my bedroom
• do 10 minutes of yoga streches

As I need to pick up boychild 2 from school tomorrow I will be home at a reasonable time - and I am looking forward to that!

Blogging?

What happened to my blogging?? I think work ate my blogging time and blogging energy. I was going so good last week - right up until Friday when I was at work until after 10pm. Over the weekend I was burying myself in a book - I was escaping from the thought of a meeting I was having at work on Monday - a meeting I was not looking forward to. Then on Monday I had meetings in two different locations to where my office is, so I spent quite a bit of time in the car - and I did not get home from work until 9.30.
Tuesday was a really hot day here - and although I was home around 5pm, I was feeling totally wiped out from the heat. My aircon has died, and boy did I feel that yesterday!
Today has been another day of working at a different location to my office, and with the hour long drive back I was not back in my office until after 4.30pm. Because I had a lot to catch up on, it was 8.45 by the time I was driving home.
Tomorrow I have to go in to the city for the day, so I will probably feel pretty wiped out by the time I get back on the train.
So far this week I have not done any of the things on my list - no walks, no yoga, no tidying up/sorting out my bedroom. The last two days I have managed to get my fruit and some salad into me (a very good one yesterday which included tuna and mixed beans) - so I am happy about that.
This week was supposed to be a very quiet week - but somehow I have ended up with a really busy week instead.
I need to get back to posting my little list, cause it works!!
Because I know tomorrow is going to be hectic, I will have only one thing on my list:

• 10 minutes tidying/sorting in my bedroom (stuff is starting to take over my little yoga patch again!)

So that's it - no matter how tired I am, I should be able to get this one little thing done!
Now I need to get to sleep - early morning tomorrow, I have to get to the trainstation by 8am - I will only be leaving from home a short time earlier than usual, but I need to be more organised in the morning - I often eat my oat porridge breakfast at work, can't do that tomorrow!
That's it for me - Good night :-)

I am happy - I got all the things on my list done today, apart from the 'going to bed by 11pm' bit :-)

• eat two pieces of fruit as snacks - done, two apples at work


• go for a short walk as soon as I get home - done


• spend 10 minutes tidying/sorting in my bedroom - done


• do 10 minutes of yoga streches - done (I actually spent more than 20 minutes on it)


• go to bed by 11pm - should manage

At my work I keep soy-linseed bread in the freezer and usually I have cans of tuna in my office, and for emergencies when I run out of tuna I also have a jar of peanut butter there. Today I was duing a course in a different place, so this morning I made a salad with baby spinnach, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, shredded cabbage, cheese cubes and some hardboiled egg in. It was really nice and filling. I think I need to bring that kind of lunch to work more often.

It felt really good to do some yoga. I don't understand why I don't do it more often! I guess having the space next to my bed cleared will help me with that.

Wednesday update

Today did not go so well. I did not get home from work until after 7 - went for a walk (a longer one this time), then made dinner. I was eating dinner after 9, and then chatted with my boys. Have not seen my oldest for a couple of days, so it was nice to catch up.

List update:

• make a phonecall about the document (I know I would procrastinate on this) - not done, waiting for email
  


• spend 10 minutes tidying/sorting in my bedroom - not done
  


• go for a short walk as soon as I get home - done :-)


• do 10 minutes of yoga streches - not done


• eat two pieces of fruit as snacks - done, two apples at work


• go to bed by 11pm - should manage

So, I didn't get to the things I wanted to. But if I hadn't made the list, which seems to commit things in my head when I post it here, then I most likely would not have gone for a walk when I got home, and I more than likely would not have remembered to bring my fruit to work this morning. So even though I did not get all the things done, I am still happy that I kept the momentum going with the walking. Tomorrow I have a long day at work again, leaving home at 7.30 and won't be back until around 6. I am at a course in a different location to my office all day, so I need to resist the temptation to 'duck in quickly' to my office once I get back from the course, and go home instead and do some 'looking after me' (or the house -either will make me feel better!).

I won't make a list for tomorrow, as it will be the last 5 items on today's list repeating (I will leave the phonecall item until I have got the email).

I think I can see a slight pattern developing where the action of blogging is helping me focus on some me things. I just need to keep this going :-)

Since it is only 15 minutes until it is 11, and I still have to brush my teeth etc, I will reply to the comments on the previous post tomorrow night. Good night!

I'm done :-)

I have tidied up the stuff next to my bed and vaccuumed there. I have got my yoga mat out and I am all ready for doing a little bit of yoga tomorrow. I also just ate my banana :-)
I would not have got the floor done, or eaten the banana, if I didn't plan to write about it here. So maybe I need to keep this up for a while...
My list for tomorrow:

• make a phonecall about the document (I know I would procrastinate on this)
  
• spend 10 minutes tidying/sorting in my bedroom
  
• go for a short walk as soon as I get home
  
• do 10 minutes of yoga streches**
  
• eat two pieces of fruit as snacks
  
• go to bed by 11pm

**I keep thinking that I need a solid 45 minutes or so for it to be worthwhile doing some yoga - and 45 minutes seems so hard to find (although I can easily spend 45 minutes online reading blogs without even noticing). But everyone can manage to commit 10 minutes to something! And really, 10 minutes will still be good for me (and with my back being a bit funny still, it is probably better to start off slowly). And I know I will feel good once I managed to get started (a bit like the walking thing, huh Sharni? - comment on previous post) so it is likely that I will continue for longer.

I ended up with 6 things on my list. I really wanted to keep it to 5, but the ones that are repeats from yesterday I am hoping to build up momentun on, the phonecall has to be done, and the yoga I am all set for now with cleared floor space and my mat ready. So six it is :-)

I am now about to brush my teeth and get ready for bed so I can be in bed by 11. Sweet dreams!

Tuesday's update

Here is the update on the list I made yesterday:

• read through some important documents that arrived in the mail today, and make a related todo list - done
  
• go for a short walk as soon as I get home in the afternoon - done
  
• tidy up the rest of the stuff and vacuum next to my bed so I have somewhere where I can spread out my yoga mat and do some simple yoga
  
• eat an apple and a banana as a snack - apple eaten, banana still to go
  
• go to bed by 11pm

It was nice to go for a walk - I need it so badly! It doesn't take long to do, and once I am out there I really enjoy it. But if I don't do it as soon as I get home, I am just too tired and won't do it. A few years ago I used to go for a quick walk as soon as I got up every morning. I would like to get back into that routine, but I need to get this sleeping thing sorted first. Walking as soon as I get home from work is a good compromise, and my son now walks with me which is very nice - the deal is that I take him for driving lessons, and he takes me for walks :-)

A new week

It is Monday - a fresh new week!
I had a nice weekend. Nothing happened in particular, we spent time at home getting little things done and relaxing. I did not touch any work, and did not feel guilty about it! I think not rushing around, and just having quiet time at home is the key for me at the moment.
I got a little more decluttering done - this time in my teeny laundry.
Last night I went to bed early, to have a good start to the new week. I was woken before 4.30 am, and every time I drifted off after that I was woken again, by various things. So today has not been very productive. But I managed to go for a tiny walk (it started pouring so was shorter than what I had intended). I ate an apple when all I wanted was some comfort food (and then I ate the comfort food after!)
I am about to go to bed. I need a good night's sleep tonight.
My 'should do' list seems to be growing out of proportions in my head - it seems to totally paralyze me and I do nothing. I am pretty sure I have written something similar before too. So for tomorrow I have 5 goals:

• read through some important documents that arrived in the mail today, and make a related todo list
• go for a short walk as soon as I get home in the afternoon
• tidy up the rest of the stuff and vacuum next to my bed so I have somewhere where I can spread out my yoga mat and do some simple yoga
• eat an apple and a banana as a snack
• go to bed by 11pm

This time I will report on how I completed each item :-)

I have tried to find an appropriate picture for this post, but my internet is soooo slow at the moment that I give up..... I was planning to be asleep by now :-)

Giving myself permission

Since my last post I have been giving myself permission to be 'lazy'. Today spent all day at a course, leaving home 7.45am and coming back just before 6pm feeling exhausted. Instead of forcing myself to get things done at home, or feeling guilty about things not getting done, I told myself I deserved to have a lazy night where my only criteria is to stay awake. I need to pick up my son from work and if I fall asleep beforehand I will end up staying up too late after we are back. It is a 20 minute drive each way, and it usually wakes me up to be out and about, especially if I have had an afernoon snooze.

I am still working on getting to bed at a decent time, and it is still not a consistent thing for me. I think it will take a while to 're-tune' this body, and everytime I am staying up late I delay the process.Tonight I have been reading some blog posts, reading the online newspapers and doing some general surfing. Everytime I start to feel the 'should be doing something useful' feeling, I am telling myself that I deserve to have a night off.It is nearly 9.30pm, and I am expecting a phone call any minute now, to say that it is time to go on pick-up duty. Once I am back home, I plan to go to bed and read until I fall asleep, which I don't expect to take long at all....

Feeling overwhelmed

I am feeling overwhelmed, and I can't work out why. My workload this semester is so much lighter than it has been for quite a while, I have finished the research masters I was working on, issues and dramas on the personal front have subsided a lot, and yet here I am feeling stressed, worned out and overwhelmed.
I don't want this blog to become full of negative blabbering, but I think I need to take stock of where I am at. I am a bit worried that I am suffering from burn-out from all the stress that has been over the last few years. When I look at what has been comapred to what is now, I should be bouncing with energy, yet I am not. And I am lost as to how I can find this energy I am craving - I seem to sabotage myself at every turn. I know eating better will help, I know sleeping properly will help, I know getting some exercise will help and I know clearing out the clutter and cleaning up the complete distaster that my house currently is, will help. So why aren't I getting these things done?? Why does one always end up having to be a trade-off for another one and in the end I get none of these things done?
I need to find a way - but where do I start? And more importantly - how do I push through and keep at it when it is just all too hard?

Monday

I have had a slow day today - my back is a bit touchy and I am feeling a bit weary. So rather than looking at all the things I haven't done, I am choosing to list the things I am happy with today.

• I went for a short walk this morning, first thing.




• I had a banana as a snack earlier today, instead of something less healthy.




• I decluttered one and a half grocery bags of stuff from the bathroom. Yay!! I need my life to be simpler, and I know getting rid of things can only help. It also helps letting go of some guilt (like the expensive haircare products I paid a lot of money for years ago and have probably only used twice...they are gone).




• I have done a load of washing.




• I have unpacked and repacked the dishwasher, and cleaned the kitchen benches.

Tomorrow I am planning to go for another short walk and do some gentle yoga

Picture borrowed from here:
http://www.laragreene.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/yoga.jpg

Sleeping goals and well-being

It has been a while since I posted that I was making improved sleeping habits a goal. I didn't do too well recording how I went with it - probably because I didn't go so well at all! I even ended up having to pull an all-nighter. I have had some nights where I have been getting to bed at a good time, but quite a few where I have been very late.
BUT - I have done some things for 'me'. I have had my hair cut and streaked (not done since the beginning of the year) and I also got my eyebrows tidied up and lashes tinted. I have never had my eyebrows done before, and it did make quite a bit of a difference! A while ago Eilleen at Consumption Rebellion posted about wellbeing goals, and allthough I haven't done any of the things I planned after reading Eilleen's post (reflexology, massage, bushwalk), I have found that 'fixing my outsides' a bit has actually had an effect on how I am feeling about me. Oh, and talking about wellbeing - I can't forget mentioning I read a fiction book - "The Girl with the Dragon tattoo" by Stieg Larsson, which is the first of the books in the Millenium triology.

Back trouble and sleeping habit

As I briefly mentioned in my first post, I have just experienced some very scary back trouble. It started suddenly on Sunday night as I was getting up from the lounge. My legs felt like they couldn't carry me and my lower back was really hurting. I couldn't stand up straight, and I started shivering and shaking and my teeth were clattering even though I hadn't felt cold. I managed to get into my bed and turned on the electric blanket which helped. I got up again a bit later to turn off the lights - I could barely get myself there and back. I have never had anything like this happen before. When I went to the doctor on Monday, he immediately told me I was having the week off work which really surprised me - he is usually very careful with giving people sick leave. He also told me to lie flat on my back as much as possible, and do as little as possible out of bed. I was quite surprised as this seemed to be different from what I have heard about backache before. But, it has worked (together with the muscle relaxants/painkillers he gave me). My back is much better, and I can now walk ok. It is still uncomfortable to sit and standing is not so good either. I had another appointment with the doctor today with the results of the x-rays and CT scan that was done on Tuesday. Apparently the problems were caused by a slipped disk. One thing this has highlighted to me is how much I take my ability to use my body for granted. It was quite scary not to be able to walk properly. What if this happens again? Or worse still, what if it happens again but is even worse than this time?

In my last post I wrote that health is the first area I want to focus on, as I think it has such a major impact on every part of my life. I have realised that getting back to doing yoga regularly is something that will be important for the health of my back – but I need my back to get a bit better before I can start doing yoga again. Loosing some weight will also help my back. Last night I went for a tiny walk up to the top of the street, and today I went for a slightly longer walk. I might try some gently yoga stretches tonight.

I have had a very very unhealthy sleep pattern for a very long time, and I find it really hard to get into a good sleep routine. I often think that my body clock is made to go over more than 24 hours – either that, or I have completely wrecked it with years and years of often staying up until early hours of the morning working on what started with assignments, then work, then my masters thesis + work. I still do this on a regular basis with things that need to be finished for work.

I am realising more and more how important sleep is for our health. It is ok to occasionally have a late night, but to regularly only sleep 4-5 hours (or sometimes even less) a night is damaging. So my goal will be to be in bed with lights out by 11pm during week nights, and by midnight on Friday and Saturday night. I think this will be an important habit to get into to ensure I am not too tired to exercise and organise and prepare healthy food. So my plan is to be recording here how I am going with getting to bed at a proper time.

Where to start?

I am finding it hard to know where to start. There are so many things in my life I need and want to take hold of and do something about...

I have started reading a book called "How to get from where you Are to where you want to Be - the 25 principles of success" by Jack Canfield. He wrote the chicken soup for your soul books - I have never read any of those books. Despite the book talking a lot about huge financial success, big houses and great cars (none of which are on my 'wish list'), it has a lot of points I think will be helpful for me. I was going to mention something from the book here but now I can't find it - oh well, it will have to be for another time. So far I have just been reading through the book without putting any of it to practice - I am halfway through it, but I think I need to start it from the beginning again and write some notes for myself from each chapter and slowly start doing the suggestions.

I have a vision of having more time - time I can spend reviving and expanding my vegetable garden, cooking healthy and frugal meals from scratch, fixing clothes rather than just buying new, searching second hand shops for things I need, making gifts and so on - living a more self sufficient and sustainable lifestyle, and reducing my impact on our earth. I am not part of any religion - I have always believed that what is important is how we treat and look after other people, the earth and ourselves. But in my hurried life I am not doing any of those things well - I feel a bit like I have become one of the balls in a pinball machine arcade game, shuffled from place to place.

There are so many areas I want to make changes in, and I feel overwhelmed when I start thinking about them. To try to get an overview for myself, I have listed some here:

• My health. I have not prioritised my health at all, which has lead to me now being overweight and unfit, low in energy and with a sleeping pattern that is all over the place, usually resulting in too little sleep.


• My house. I have no routines for getting things done, which often results in housework being the last priority when I am out of energy. It feels like the chaotic and cluttered house steals even more of my energy. I also need and want to make my house my home.


• My garden. Or, as is the case on most of my block of land, especially the back yard - the lack of a garden.


• My finances. For the first few years after separating I had full control of my finances, I had a budget, recorded my spending, saved an emergency fund etc. This has completely slipped. My finances are not in a bad shape, but I am spending more than I should on things that are not important. So I need to refocus my goals in this area.


• My relationships with the people around me. Make time...


• My work. This is a tough one. And a scary one. But not one for immediate change.

I know there are many more. And in each category there are many things to take hold of. A lot of it is the need to build good habits and routines. I often find I start off well with new routines, but then after a little while they fade off while I start focusing on something else.

So as much as I would like to start on every category and change lots of things right away, I know that doing that will not work. So I will focus on one area and gradually start building up good habits. And I think the number one priority has to be my health, as this is something that impacts every area of my life.

Why blog?

For a while now I have felt a need for ‘finding me’ – rediscovering my likes and dislikes, what I want to do, what my goals are and so on. I want to start defining where I am going instead of just being thrown about by life and react to what is happening around me. Why have I come to this point now? I think there are a few reasons – one is that I am nearing 40 and wish to be on a better path both mentally and physically – I want to take steps towards a healthier me. The scary back trouble I have experienced in the last few days and being quite sick with a flu that did not want to go away a little while ago has increased this need to find a healthier me. Antother reason is that I have had a few years in chaos in many ways, and I feel like a need to ‘re-group’.

I am hoping that posting my thoughts, goals, plans, progress etc here will help me discover new things about myself as I am recording what goes on in my head. I hope it will help to sort my thoughts out and help stake out a direction for myself.